Random Zeldaness
by Opia-fire
Summary: Various small stories of randomness! They actually do all tie together sort of... Eventually...
1. Bottles

Opia: Okay, these will take a little explaining. These were written by both me and Josco (go read some of her stories!). We took a lined paper, or papers, and wrote to the end of the line, then the other person writes one line going off of the last thing the other wrote, even if it is the start of a sentence or the very middle of it. We had a lot of fun writing these and because of the way they are written they can get pretty random! -.-; Somehow, we have gotten most of these stories to tie into each other, as you will see in the next one titled "Talking Cows and Magical Holes"… Scary huh?

Cari: It is rated PG-13 because some of the stories refer to drugs…

Opia: I really don't know how that happened! It just went POOF on the page, I swear! Oh! And the bold print is Josco's writing and the Italic ones are mine! We just did that for fun (and you can see how things were twisted)! Nori and Kindra are made up caracters. Josco's is Nori, mine's Kindra (If you haven't read my other stories).

Cari: Neither Opia nor Josco own Zelda.

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Random Zelda...ness

Bottles

**Link sat with Navi on his bed in Hyrule** _staring at the ceiling when he saw a_ **shadow out of the corner of his eye. "Well… Hello. How** _are you doing Saria? I almost didn't see_ **you." He smiled cheerfully, "What did Zelda say about** _getting a cage for Dark Link? He has_ **broken the last three shacks and two of the igloos!"**

_"Igloos?" Saria asked._

_"Don't ask…" Link said, "Anyway_ **did you happen to see Ruto on the way?"**

**"No, are you** _hiding from her again?" She smirked, "Has she decided_ **that you're still married?"**

**"Mebbe…" Link hopped up** _and stretched, "All I did was compliment her new jewelry and,_ **well, it all went down hill from there." Saria laughed… and laughed…** _and laughed. "Okay Saria! It wasn't that funny!" Link shouted._

**Saria's gales subsided. "I'm sorry, it's just that my** _other friends have made me laugh all day. Like Mido, it was really funny–"_

**"Oh shut up about Mido!" Link started grumbling about.**

_Saria raised an eyebrow, then smiled wickedly, "Link? Are you_ **ok?"**

**A voice came up. "No! He's gay!"**

**"Mido! Shuddup!"** _Link threw a rock at the boy; it made a satisfying clunk._

_"Ow!_ **Dammit Link!" There was a scrambling noise coming up the ladder.** _Mido ran in and tackled Link. Link's head rammed into_ **Saria's waist then the three of them fell.**

_"Ahhh! Ow!" They fell through the window and landed in_ **a pile of leaves. Link rolled out from between them. Mido was then** _staring into Saria's eyes. Saria, who was on top of him,_ _blushed and_ **got off quickly.**

**"Uh, yeah, um… Ok." She stammered. "I **_just came over to see how Link was doing… so I'll just_ **be heading home now…" She turned and walked off.**

**Link kicked **_at a weed. "Nice going Mido…."_

_"Me?!" Mido shouted. "What_ **did I do?"**

**"You creeped her out!" He kicked Mido in the shin.**

_Mido yelped in pain. "You…" He hopped over to Link, "You… stupid…"_

**"Asshole?" Link supplied.**

**Mido glared at Link and** _kicked at him. "That was my second choice…" He fell over._

**Link took the advantage and tackled him. "Get** _it through your thick skull! You are such a_ **jerk no one would ever want you! Especially not** _Saria! She is way too good for you! Not even_ **Ruto would! Well, on second thought… she's nearly blind so…"** _An idea popped into Link's head. "Hey…Mido?"_

**"What jackass?"**

**"Well, bastard, I was just thinking** _that you might be useful after all…."_

_"What?" Link knocked Mido_ **into a tree. "You were thinking?" Mido taunted. "Oh** _you're a smart guy huh?" Link rolled his eyes and hit Mido in the head with a rock._ **"Hey!"**

**"Anyways, I had the idea that we should**_… Man, you do have a hard head…" Mido fell down unconscious. "Nope, just delayed reactions…."_

**Saria walked out of her house and saw Mido.** _"What happened to him?"_

_"Nothing!" Saria looked at Link suspiciously._ **"What?" Link walked off whistling 'innocently.'**

**"Link!** _Come back here!" Saria caught up to him, "Don't you_ **think I know you better?"**

**"Nope."**

**"Come off it!"**

**Link** _looked down at the angry Kokiri and stopped. He sighed, "Jeez._ **Slave driver!" He jumped down and landed right next** _to Saria. Looking into her eyes he stated flatly, "Mido was being a jackass, I dealt with him."_

**"Ok." She started to blush. "Uh… a little close Link."**

_He blinked and noticed his face was barely an inch away from hers. "Oh, sorry."_

**"That's okay. It was just… yeah, awkward." Link backed up.** _Mido stirred._

_"Not now…" Link said, he ran over and kicked Mido in the head. He stopped moving._ **"Well…."**

**"Why'd you kick him and say 'Not now?'"**

_"Er… I… didn't want him ruining anything…."_

_Saria blinked._ **"What could he ruin? We weren't doing anything… I think."**

_Link blushed a deep red. "Well… er… I… we… um…_ **I was…Oh never mind." Link grabbed Saria's hand** _and pulled her closer._

_Saria looked confused, "Link?"_

**He knelt down, still holding her hand. "Saria, will** _you marry me?"_

_Saria raised an eyebrow. "Have _**you been getting into the wine again?" Is that** _what all those bottles were_ **doing** _around your bed?"_

_Link_ **yelled, "No! They put me up to this!" He pointed to** _a bunch of rocks. "Wait, no! They did!"_

_His finger moved over_ **to Nori and Kindra, who answered with a, "Who? Us?"** _They both smiled 'innocently.' "Why would we ever do that?"_

**"Because you want to embarrass me." Saria said,** _glaring._

_Kindra blinked. "Oh yeah!"_

_Nori elbowed her._ **"Shuddup!"**

**Link turned to Saria, "Sorry, they said they'd show** _Mido… uh…."_

_"What?" Saria asked._

_Kindra_ **giggled. "We threatened to show Mido Link**_'s fiancé."_

_Saria looked confused. "Ruto? But why _**would Link be afraid of Mido seeing that?"**

**"SHE'S A** _FISH!" Link screamed, "I'd never hear the end_ **of it!"**

**"MEN!" Saria stalked off and Link ran** _after her._

_"What'd I say?!?" Nori and Kindra rolled their_ **eyes.**

**"All you look at is the outside appearance!" Saria** _yelled back over her shoulder, "Ever heard of personality?"_

**"Huh?"**

**"Link!" A high-pitched voice rang out.**

_"Crap!" Link said under his breath. Ruto ran up and threw her arms_ **around his neck. As it so happened Mido woke up** _from all the noise and the first thing he saw was a fish strangling Link._ **He grabbed a nearby rock and threw it at** _her. It was a bulls-eye, Ruto fell down unconscious._

_"Link, are you okay?! What _**was that?"**

**"That was my fiancé, and I'm okay."**

_Mido stopped in his tracks. When his brain started working again he said, "W-what?_ **Fiancé?!" He cracked up laughing. "F-f-fiancé?!"**

_"Shuddup!" Link yelled._

_Mido ignored him. "Y-you have a f-f-fish_ **for-r-r a f-fi-fiancé?!" He fell over laughing.** _Saria glared at Mido. He calmed down a little. "What?"_

**"MEN! All** _of_ **you****" She advanced towards him, "Care** _to tell me what is so funny about Ruto?!"_

_"It has a name?" Mido_ **laughed even harder. "Ruto?!" He got a slap**_, punch, and a kick from the three girls. To top it off Link_ **smacked him in the shin with his sword hilt.**

_"She's not a 'fish' you jerk, she's a Zora. And let me tell you,_ **she's actually nice-ish. She waited seven years for me.** _I won't let you hurt her!" Link jabbed Mido again with his sword hilt._

**"Well, you already let me."**

**Link smiled. "Why** _don't you try that when I'm not distracted… You'll be sorry."_

**"Threaten, threaten, threaten. That all you do?"**

_Link frowned and picked Mido up by the collar. "Try me." He_ **was about to throw Mido when Ruto awoke.**

_"Link?" Link dropped Mido._

_"Ruto, are you okay?" He_ **stooped down to help her up.**

**"THE FISH IS** _ALIVE?!"_

_Ruto turned to Mido, aghast. "What did you_ **call me!? How DARE you call me— the** _name is RUTO you worm!!" She grabbed Mido_ **and hurled him into his hut. "Bastard!"**

_Link cheered, "Go girl!"_

_Ruto blushed, "Was it really that good?"_

**Link never had a chance to answer; Malon showed up with Platinum blonde hair. "I thought, since you** _like Zelda so much… maybe… you'd like me more if I looked like her…_ **you'd…"**

**"Like you more?" Ruto said, "Try being** _sensible, Link's not going to like you more just because of looks._**" Link fell into a 'coughing fit.' "Well now Link,** _is there something you want to share with the rest_ **of us?"**

**Link looked around at the angry girls. "What? **_Uh, n-no! I just… uh… got something stuck in my throat!"_

**Malon raised an eyebrow, "What? The truth?"** _Link, knowing that no matter how he answered he was in deep trouble,_ **whipped out his ocarina and played the Prelude** _of Light. "Link!" Malon yelled as he began to disappear. Ruto and Saria tried to grab him. "Come back here!!"_

_Nori and_ **Kindra whisked out theirs and followed after** _him. Leaving the three girls and an unconscious Mido_ **behind.**

**"He's such a cheater!" Ruto screamed.**

_Saria got an idea, "Maybe we can shortcut through the_ **Lost Woods!"**

**"OR! We can call Epona!" Malon **_followed the other two through the woods._

_Saria stopped._ **"Ruto, grab Malon's hand."**

**"Wha–?"**

**"Chamber!!** _Of!! Sages!!" Malon blinked, they were suddenly in a strange_ **fish named Jabu-Jabu.**

**"What the hell?" Malon** _yelled._

_Ruto looked confused. "Um… this isn't the_ **Chamber of Sages…."**

**"It is now." Saria** _said, "You really should come to the monthly meetings."_

**"Oh, sorry… So, how do we get to Link?"**

_"Um… Well… I thought that maybe… um…_

**Suddenly Link burst through an invisible** _doorway. He blinked, "How did I…?"_

_"Good, Zelda did_ **not catch on."**

**Nori and Kindra appeared** _behind Link. Nori smiled, "The spell worked perfectly!"_ **She and Kindra grabbed Link's arms. "Now then,** _Link, you were saying something?"_

_"Uh… um…_ **crap! Okay, Malon." He turned to her, "I… uh…** _I think you look better as a redhead does… and… uh… I don't really_ **like you as a blonde… I… yeah…"**

**Malon**_'s eyes grew big, "R-really? Oh… Shit… now I have to _**wait for it to g-g-grow out-t…" She sniffled.**

**"Oh** _don't cry." Link broke out of Kindra and Nori's grip, "It's not_ **all that bad. Really, if you put it in braids it'd** _look really cute!"_

_Malon looked at him. "You mean it?" Link_ **sat down next to her, (she was sitting) put his** _arm around her shoulders and hugged her. Ruto clenched_ **her fists and Saria slapped her.**

**Link helped** _Malon up. "Want to get something to eat? It's almost noon."_

**"I'm just thirsty…" Link pulled out a bottle of milk** _from somewhere. "Thanks." Malon took a sip. "Link, where_ **did you get that from?"**

**"Lon Lon Ranch!"**

**"Duh, but** _where do you keep the bottles?"_

_"Um…" Link blinked._ **"How's about some food?!"**

**The five girls shook** _their heads. "Link!"_

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Opia: -.-;;;;; Don't ask… we don't know either….

Cari: They stopped there so Link won't get in more trouble!

Opia: Right! Just to let you know, we were both sugar high when we wrote this...Please R&R if you dare!


	2. Talking Cows and Magical Holes

Opia: It's been a while since I updated anything.... I'm tired...

Cari: ........... Opia doesn't own anything.... nor does Josco....

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Talking Cows and Magical Holes

**"Dad?!" **

** Link sat up from his dream.** _His face was covered with sweat. A knock came from_ **his door. Kindra stood there. A wind was **_picking up outside._

_ "Link?" Kindra asked, brushing_ **a leaf out of** **her hair, "Can I come in?"**

_"Y-yeah, sure." Link wiped the sweat from his brow._

**"Thanks."**

** "Uh-huh, of course. Hmmm…."**

_Kindra looked at Link, concerned. "You okay?"_

_ Link _**smiled goofily, "Yep! I'm okay! How're you?"**

** Kindra **_smiled back, "Great! I just came back from Saria's house._ **She says that Ruto isn't too upset** _about what happened a few days ago."_

_ "Huh?" _**He thought for a minute, "Oh… that… good."**

_Kindra shook her head. "I was worried you had forgotten**…**_** Hey, where do you keep those bottles?"**

_Link jumped off the bed and stretched, "How's about some food?"_

**He ran out of the hut.**

** "Link!!" **

**She** _ran after him, leapt off the balcony, and tackled Link._

**"DAMN!"**

** "How do you keep those with you?!"**

** "I… uh, you don't wanna know."**

** Nori** _popped up, "Need help Kindra?"_

_ Link tried to squirm out_ **of between Kindra's hands. He was** _just about to reach the entrance to the Lost Woods _**where he hoped to escape to Zora's domain**_ when he tripped and fell down a hole that magically appeared under him._

_ "Whoa–"_

_ It closed up._

**"Ooh. Magical holes… Whee." Noticed a cow. "How** _did you get in here?"_

_ "Wouldn't you like to know…" The cow mooed._

_ Link blinked. "I'm talking to a cow… and it's answering…."_

**"Yeah? So? In some games, donkeys talk."**

** Thinking, Link sat on a rock. "Hmm. Sure." So, Link got up and** _poked the cow. "Are you real? And waddya mean 'game'?"_

**The cow slapped its forehead with its hoof,**_lost its balance, and fell over. Link busted up laughing._

**"Don't try to ice-skate!"**

** The cow blinked, Link looked stupidly at it.**

** "Why would I? I'm a cow."**

_Link rubbed his head, "Wait, wait, wait! What the hell is going_ **on? I fell through a hole, that's gone now, and** _I'm talking to a talking cow… Am I dreaming?!?"_

**"No. But I can kick you if you'd like proof." He** _made to hit Link._

_ Link waved his arms franticly, "No_** I believe you. Really, I do." **

** He pulled out** _a deku stick and poked the cow with it. __The **cow**_** mooed irritably and glared at Link. Seeing this,** _Link smiled nervously and backed away, falling into_ **a hole… Again… He isn't very lucky. But, the cow** _snickered and calmly walked into the same hole before_ **Link could get out of the way.**

** "Oof! Ya damn** _cow. I otta–"_

_ He was blinded by a bright light._

**"Look at the pretty lights… whee…."**

**A thump** _sounded in the distance as the cow landed, surprisingly not on top of Link. He rubbed his eyes to try and make out his_ **surroundings. He saw nothing but red eyes. Link** _swore under his breath. The red eyes laughed._

_ "Hello,_ **there. 'Hero of Time'." The eyes said mockingly.**

_"Why are you here?" Link groaned._

_ "This void is a place I_ **created." The voice continued ignoring Link's query**_ "It's nice here," The voice commented, "Quiet… I come here on_ **bad days… Or days when I want to play with** _people's souls... There are no laws of physics here…."_

_ Link blinked, "What the hell are you babbling about?"_

_ The_ **eyes bobbed up and down as the voice laughed. "What the hell are you babbling about?" The voice** _mimicked._

_ Then suddenly the eyes split and two voices could be heard._

**"What did Saria put in my tea?" Link thought, not** _a single thing came to his mind, "Dammit! I can't think!"_

**"Is that a new discovery?" Came the cow's** _monotone voice._

_ "Ha ha…" Link muttered._

_ Suddenly a_ **brick dropped onto his head and he woke**_in a bed. Kindra and Nori's worried faces hovered above him._

_ "Link?" Saria placed a cloth soaked in_ **vinegar on his cheek.**

** "What happened?"**

_Kindra looked embarrassed, "I shot a deku nut at you, hopping to_ **calm you down… but I hit you pretty** _hard and you fell off that cliff near the entrance to the Lost Woods._ **Then, you started mumbling something about** _talking cows and glowing, talking eyes."_

_ Saria giggled._

**"I…" He remembered, "I don't know what you're going** _at… Dreams are supposed to be weird… can I go now?"_

**Nori and Kindra looked at Saria.**

** "Well, you broke your leg…."**

** Link blinked slowly. **_Pain suddenly surged up his leg. He gasped in pain._

**Then, the Hero of Time yelled, "I want my**_milk!"_

_ Nori looked at him weirdly, "Milk?"_

_ "The one with the bright green label!"_

_ "Er… okay… where is it?"_

_ "In my_ **umm… Just a minute." He thought hard, "Under my bed** _where I hide the rest of my d–er–things…."_

_ Nori _**raised an eyebrow. "Not gonna ask."**

** She** _left the room to get Link's… 'milk'._

_ "Uh, Link?_ **What is the purpose of this white powder?**_"_

_"It's-it's… uh… a pain killer!"_

_ Kindra blinked, "Um…_ **sure Link, sure it is."**

** Nori re-entered with** _the green labeled bottle. Link grabbed for it but Saria_ **opened it first. She sniffed it.**

** "Link, this is** _not milk… It smells funny…."_

_ "It's a special _**kind of milk?" Link tried hopefully.**

** Nori** _scoffed and took the bottle back. "I don't think you should_ **drink this now… or ever…."**

** She poured it** _out the window._

_ "No!" Link struggled to grab her but_ **failed. "DAMN YOU!!! I wanted that!!!!!! Grr!"**

_Saria shook her head, "Now I'm convinced that **wasn't**_** milk. But, this is."**

** Handed him a fresh bottle** _of Lon Lon milk. He pouted. _

_ Saria waved her finger warningly at him, "Drink that or you'll never get out of here!"_

**"But it's icky!"**

** "WHAT!?!?" Malon's voice came** _from outside the door._

_ Link eeped and started _**gulping down the milk, "Just kidding!! Hee hee! Wasn't that funny?!"**

** Malon entered, hands on** _her hips._

_ "Was that you I just heard insultin' my milk?!"_

_ "Nope, nope, wasn't me!!"_

_ Malon fumed,_ **"What?!"**

**Link did his best innocent look.**

** She** _grabbed him by the collar, "This is how you talk after all I've_ **done for you!? I gave you Epona!! Well, sorta…."**

_Link tried to breathe, "Technically I stole her…."_

_ "Don't make_ **excuses for this! Or distractions!"**

** Link eeped.**

_Malon started to cry, "All I try to do is be nice to you but_-**but, but I get n-no app-ppreciat-tion!!"**

** She sank to the floor wailing, for a second time in** _a week._

_ Link rubbed his temples, "Goddesses help me…"_

**He knelt down… well, no, he didn't, but he wanted to.**

_"Ow…" He muttered under his breath as he moved his leg. He **tried**_** to kneel, or even move but it hurt.**

** "Malon, I'm** _sorry, I didn't mean it… I was worked up from a previous argument."_

_ Malon looked up, "Oh, did they find your laced milk?"_

_Link sweatdropped as_**he nodded. "Yeah, they did… and my crack…"**

_Kindra jumped up, "I knew it!"_

_ "Malon, you knew?_ **Wait, how did it get laced?"**

** "What a lovely carpet you have in here Kindra." Malon** _avoided the other girl's eyes._

_ "Malon!!"_

_ "What?_ **He paid me!"**

** Nori smirked, "How?"**

** Malon shrieked,** _"It's not what you're thinking!!"_

_ Link blushed_, **"Seriously… ick."**

** "HEY!" Malon slapped him.**

** "What!?"**

_Nori and Kindra busted up laughing. Saria tried **not**_** to, but it was contagious.**

** "THAT'S NOT FUNNY!"** _Both Link and Malon yelled._

_"Y-y-yes it I-is!!" Kindra_ **fell over laughing.**

** Malon tackled her, "Aah!"**

_They wrestled on the floor, which caused more laughing_ **from Saria who was hiccuping with giggles.** _This was so cute it made Link start to chuckle._

**"Damn," He thought, "Saria can be so adorable…."**

** Saria** _tried to say something but was hit with a fit of giggles and_ **stopped trying. Finally the two stopped wrestling. **_They looked at all the others who were bent over laughing._

**"What's so funny?" They asked, panting for air.**

_"E-e-everything!" They all gasped._

_ Nori fell to_ **the floor laughing and Kindra tickled her**_mercilessly, which, of course, made her laugh harder. Link_ **began laughing, fell off his bed onto his floor,**_ and rammed into Malon, who was beginning to catch_ **her breath.**

** "Ow! Link!"**

** "Hee-sorry-he hee!"**

_Malon pushed him away, "You're all high!" She yelled._

**"So?!" Came the general answer.**

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Opia: Odd chapter...

Cari: Review if you want to....


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